the art of haggling

the art of haggling is one of the great skills in life that americans don't appreciate. when traveling it can be a highlight or frustrating daily occurrence. in very touristy places like zanzibar where foreigners are pounced upon because of our naivety, i have come to understand that the art of bargaining not only gets you a better price, but earns you respect. locals, understandably, think we are idiots and need help in basic functions when they see tour groups of old ladies with cameras and fanny packs wobbling in and out of tour buses into shops. i cringe when i'm around other westerns and see them blatantly being ripped off. i now have taken it upon myself to remedy this problem with an introduction to haggling techniques from my observations:

the "bulldog" approach (aka john russell venable) - this approach requires one part theatrics and one part disbelief *. intimidating physical stature helps
step 1. immediately upon hearing the price of a good or service, one should throw up your hands, spin around, spitting is good, and stare in disbelief that the offer has offended your very soul and the offerer should get down and give you 20 push-ups
step 2. one should ask a ridiculously low counteroffer and repeat step 1
step 3. walk away and repeat with another vendor before realizing the first offer was fair and walk sheepishly back and ask for forgiveness
* john russell venable is a master of this

the comparison -
step 1. tell the vendor you saw the same one at another shop for 1/2 his price
step 2. inevitably he will tell you to go back to that shop and buy it from him then
*not the most effective technique

the too-tired-to-haggle -
step 1. ask half of first offer
step 2. accept first counteroffer
step 3. go to bed and vow to do better next time

nit-picker -
step 1. pretend to closely examine the ware, picking out the most microscopic flaws and explaining that this isn't top quality.
step 2. they will bring out paints to fix the problem, now you feel obliged to buy even though you didn't really even want the stupid, ugly painting.
*by the way mom i got you this really cool painting for xmas. it even has a new coat of paint!!!

the low ball (aka landon williams)-
step 1. find something you are mildly interested in
step 2. offer the amount of change you have in your sock or on top of the dresser
step 3. be astonished when they accept
step 4. take possession of object
step 5. place new object with the other low ball crap you have acquired through this approach
step 6. explain to your wife why you had to buy it and why the basement is filled with crap

the american -
step 1. pay full price

the walk-away -
step 1. pretend like you know a reasonable price and upon hearing the first offer casually walk out of the store
step 2. continue to walk away
step 3. return and pay the asking price

the andrew quincy -
step 1. set a price in your head
step 2. implement a barrage of the aforementioned approaches
step 3. walk away
step 4. return and pay full price
*very similar to the american