i needed to get my hairs-cut last week. i allowed jill to persuade me that it would be a good idea to cut a lightning bolt and two stripes in the side of my head. only later did i realize that i would have to show up in court with these ridiculous markings on my head. strike one
tues night i drove to the cabin and upon arrival in the dark immediately ran headfirst into the corner of the low eave of the roof which crumpled me to my knees. shaken and a little woozy i then felt something dripping down my forehead. "hmmm red and sticky uh oh." the sizeable gash swoll and throbbed all night. the next morning i awoke to a bloody pillow and a tom and jerry-esque egg on top of my head. 'oh well my misshapen head will help me fit in, in court in east tennessee' i thought. strike two
i arrived early @ the courthouse and dressed in pants w belt and shoes and a shirt, i mention this bc these items arent a given in johnson county as evidenced by the sign on the door.
after a cooling drink of water @ the fountain i noticed an interesting sign.
i sat in the courtroom as my fellow innocents filed in. i thought my chances were looking better as a "gentleman" politely took off his miami dolphins tazmanian devil ball cap upon entering the courtroom and as he passed me i read his tshirt Blountville Septic Tank Services 423 323 5921 (i swear to god). directly in front of me sat a young lass with a johnson county FFA (future farmers of america) 'gettin' down and dirty' it read. the woman across the aisle either just finished cutting the grass or racing go-carts.
no sign of my accuser, maybe/hopefully she was in a painful accident involving a chainsaw and female circumcision... a boy can dream.
sights and sounds from the johnson county courtroom:
'i had me a cigarette but i laws tit sums'ware'
'this one aint gunna stick they aint got shit on me'
the prosecutor has velcro shoes on
everyone in johnson county breathes through their mouth and eats beef jerky, which they leave on the floor of the courtroom
the judge enters and welcomes everyone and announces "for all of you that were here last week you will notice a new face. please welcome mr roark the new prosecutor.' it makes me want to spend more time here
woman in sweatpants approached the bench and in accordance with court procedure set her pack of basic full flavors, lighter, and gum on the DAs table.
3 prisoners waddle in dressed in stripes and shackled
order of docket:
speeding
assault
speeding
speeding
meth. possession/manufacturing
speeding
meth. possession/manufacturing
speeding
criminal impersonation (punished by 6 months in jail)
speeding
driving on suspended/revoked license (15th charge... wow this guy wont do it again i promise)
telephone harassment/assault
thief of electricity from mountain electric co-op
anyway the judge announces we will be taking a break @ 1030 sharp and im writing down the aforementioned judgmental observations when they call andrew spees. my heart hits me in the throat and i walk in front of the judge prepared to plead not guilty. he throws me for a loop by asking me my middle name and i stutter "q..q..quincy."
"how do you plead; guilty, not guilty or ask for a continuance?"
"not guilty, your honor"
"do you plan to hire a lawyer, have a court-appointed lawyer, or represent yourself?"
"pro se, your honor" (thanks clifford and bailey)
the judge looks at me pleasantly surprised "pro se, very well. the DA will meet with you to discuss the charges"
i met with the DA over the break and i tell him that the charges are from 3 years ago and he wonders if the statue of limitations has expired for a misdemeanor, if so he will dismiss the charges.
i sit through the rest of the docket and am reading my book when im startled by my name being called. i approach the bench and the judge tells me the charges are being dismissed, my record expunged and the state will pay the court costs.
FREEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
