bordering on sanity

i got off the dredge on wednesday and decided that i deserved a vacation for 3 whole weeks of work. my next deployment is out of mississippi on tuesday on a "skimmer" that is monitoring relief well drilling near the site of the BP deepwater horizon oil platform. so i had 6 days before heading to mississippi. i drove from lake charles, la to matamoros, mx across from brownsville, tx then west to reynosa, mx before heading up to austin, tx for the south by southwest fest.

leaving the dredge; a welcome break from the monotony. its remarkable how much weight you can gain when you eat three, dredge-worker-sized meals and cant walk more than 300 ft per day. ill tell you how much: 12lbs, after a couple years i could look like this guy.

crossing the rio grande into mexico. this relatively insignificant river represents a division of mindset and wealth. crossing into mexico means simply driving over a bridge and into the indescribable, chaotic buzz that define border towns. while the us border requires an hour of waiting in your car surrounded by drug dogs, cameras, unhappy looking border patrol, swarms of mexicans selling peanuts and elvis presley figures (the king never died here), churros, and statues of the virgin mary.

the first night in matamoros i found a basketball court and played pickup. the guys asked me what i was doing down here (which became a common question) and i said just vacationing. they seemed surprised that i was there and asked if i knew it was dangerous. i said "is it really dangerous or do they just say that on the tv." "no, its dangerous for gringos and mexicans"

i went for a walk to get dinner and found a taco wagon and again was asked if i was scared. i started to get the feeling that maybe it wasnt a great place for a vacation.

breakfast of refried beans, cactus pads, rice and stewed beef

next was getting my hairs cut. i told her a normal hair cut and this what i got

i know you've all seen it the faux-hawk sported by many a latino... well for a limited time you too can have mexican chic for 3$.

unfortunately i dont have pictures of my multiple encounters with the mexican police but ill explain.

incident #1 i was driving from matamoros to reynosa and was behind 3 semis and we came through a "checkpoint" the trucks were allowed to pass but seeing my plates i was asked to pull over. the cop asked for license and registration and told me i was going 60km/h in a 20km/h zone. our conversation went like this;

me: there is no way you saw me behind those trucks

cop: yeah i did

me: oh no you didnt

cop: oh yes i did

me: no you dinit

cop: did too

me: ok let me see your radar gun

cop: no you cant (puts it behind his back)

me: wait that thing doesnt have batteries in it

cop: does too

me: does not

cop: does too

then he tells me we need to go to the police station to issue me a 900peso (80$) ticket and it will take an hour or more. "ok lets go" i said trying to call his bluff and play the part. "orrrrr you can pay it here" he says. i give him 20pesos and he hands it back "not enough." i sweeten the deal with another 10pesos and he reluctantly eyes his partner, shrugs and shakes my hand, smiles and says "have a nice day." i giggle as i drive away thinking i just paid a ticket for $2.60, i guess the shakedown works if you do it all day.

incident #2 less than 5 minutes down the road im stopped again, this time by military police with m-16s. as im talking to the police they walk around the truck and see my venezuela plate and im sure im in trouble, but fortunately my spanish is bad enough and i look stupid enough he realizes how difficult it will be to get a bribe out of me and lets me go.

incident #3 next im driving south to monterrey and hit a checkpoint and am told if im traveling south of trade zone (20miles) on either side of the border i need to get a stamp (20$) and register my truck (30$). no thanks

incident #4 im trying to find the bridge to cross back to the states and again saw the blue lights. apparently ran a stop sign, sped, molested a zebra stripped donkey, smuggled undeclared ponchos, and was involved in a worldwide sombrero ring. he asks for my passport and registration "this is very serious senor, we need to go to the police station, follow me"

so i follow him to a remote location and he pulls over on the side of the road (i should have video taped this). then his partner came back and spoke english to me and i made it clear i didnt understand the bribe game. he then walked back to his truck to talk to his partner and returned and said "why are you here its dangerous" "vacation" "oh ok have a nice day" they then gave me a police escort to the bridge and i was on my way home.

it strikes me as funny that the police that were exhorting bribes from me were always polite and kind and willing to help me with my questions. yet they have to shakedown the population to gain a salary. they were always very interested in why i would want to come to mexico for vacation.

ever wondered where your totaled fiero goes when it dies? the answer is here. i thought since i had some extra time and ive been needing some parts for my truck i should stop into one of the plethora of junkyards in northern mexico. one of my favorite bastardized spanglish words is "junk," mexicans have turned it into "yonke." anywho ... i was sent from yonke to yonke and told to ask for guys like "conejo(rabbit)" it was a very enjoyable afternoon.

a sad remainder that mexicos drug war is everywhere. i saw a number of cars riddled with bulletholes.

really dude... really its 7am and im eating breakfast no i dont want to hear mariachi. apparently this horribly annoying musical genre isnt just for touristy gringo tex mex restaurants. the next table over was literally swaying with lighters alight overhead as they stuffed refried beans in their gullets. please for the love of god let me drink my horrible instant coffee in peace!!!!

street food is only thing that keeps america from surpassing heaven. for a snack i got this fruit cup with mango, jamaica, coconut, watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, guava, and of course chili powder for $1.50

crossing the border i bought a bag of roasted peanuts with a packet of hot sauce. nothings better than flaming hot diarrhea

i then drove to austin, tx for the south by southwest (sxsw) fest. its the coolest indie/techie music/film/hipster festival in the states. but first i had to try this thing texans call "bbq." the drive from houston to matamoros i covered in bbq places. every gas station has a bbq place growing beside it like a malignant tumor i swear. so i waited and i wernt gonna go to some old nasty place to make my decision. i went to the granddaddy "saltlick bbq" in driftwood, tx (not sure where the driftwood was) as seen on travel channel and food network.

reasons why texas bbq sucks:

1. it aint got no pig in it

2. its all beefy and like something your grandma feeds you

3. it aint piggy

4. you eat it with a fork and 'niife

5. it aint got no pig in it

you get to pick beef brisket (and/or burnt ends), smoked sausage, chicken, turkey. its served with a sesame colewslaw (good but sissy if you ask me) texas toast, and some potato stuff and beanie weenies. and... and... gets this they aint got no SWEET TEA. lord have mercy... nuff said