the colombia i imagined

before coming to colombia i was expecting tropical heat, beaches, sunbathing, skimpy bathsuits and pina coladas. instead when i arrived in bogota the weather was in the 50s and rainy and as i got to the coast it was desert like with cacti and sparse vegetation.

i finally found the colombia i was looking for at tayrona natl parque where the jungle comes right down to the beach. we hiked in for 3hrs to a backpackers hostal/party beach with pounding surf and amazing views.

the new world

breakfast of deep fried snook (robalo) beans and rice and the ever present, bland salad/garnish and a bowl of sancocho (beef and potato soup)

i took a bus to the locals beach of bahia concho on a sun (bad idea) it was crowded and there were santa ana-esque winds that sandblasted your face at 40mph

i did see a big stick bug!!!

i went to the mall in santa marta alone on sat bc i'm a creepy guy and that's what creepers do with their free time in other countries. i'm sitting in the packed food court eating a 7$ chicken shawarma and a 3$ cherry smoothie, as a kid's-sized train (a la santa land) sadly chugs by filled w happy colombian children. the stores are named things like tennis and offcorss (of course or maybe more appropriately off course), happy time, planet sexy, I just saw a shirt "big scratchy smurf button" i'm sadly reminded that I'm not in america unfortunately. this is the new face of the world.

it thoroughly depresses me to see the world has swallowed the american lifestyle model so voraciously. of course they do it their own way ie i see large familys sitting down together. but it scares me to think that 1.6 billion chinese have this in mind as the glorious path to success. ive had the discussion in the hostals about how bad america is and the evils we bring but guess what fellow developed world citizens you are swallowing it too. exposure to american marketing schemes play to our most repetilian desires `ooo food, bright lights, tribal band tattoos, boobs!!!`

oh no a fat person, motorized shopping buggie and barbed wire tattoo... the apocalypse is upon us!!!!

notice the `mc dini` in the background: mcdonalds and dennys illegitimate colombian love child

the sign says `now is ou time` the levis budget is getting short

tennis, of course or off-course tennis or cross tennis off

my lair, sad

observations from colombia

i left bogata for the mountains in the north and found another interesting food. its called bocadillo; unsalted cheese and a slice of congealed guayaba jelly. eaten together ¡que rico!



big colombian breakfast; sancocho de carne de res (made w ribs but be careful they dont cut the bone they shatter it so you get sharp bone fragments when chewing), scrambled eggs, cafe con leche, orange juice, arepa (corn cake), pan.

roadside pizza stand

or maybe some roadside dental surgery which can be viewed by any passerby


when asked where im from i usually answer "north carolina, like michael jordan" this worked for a long time. but guess what, fellow 80´s babies... young kids dont know MICHAEL freakin JORDAN anymore. maybe ill say jesse helms or nascar legend kyle petty or randy travis or the guy from last comic standing or muggsy bogues. anyway jordans memory still lives on in this gymnasium in some town in rural colombia.

i took a day trip to a colonial town called barichara famous for eating hormigas culonas, literally bigass ants, unfortunately they were out of season. so i settled for a hike and a photo of a church.

camino real between barichara and guane


then i hiked to a waterfall near the town of san gil. and there were people rappelling down the face. can youuu find the humans?


guess what a 12 hour bus ride costs? 15$. guess what a 4oz tube of sunscreen costs? 8$. note to self, bring sunscreen next time.


this next section is entitled ¨sorry about that world: dumb shit americans have exported¨

the ghettos on blast


comidas rapidas: yake. when pronounced with spanish accent you get...
- fast food yankee.


finally colombia´s got talent. ive watched in amazement as whole towns shut down for this awful show including heinous singing and juggling acts.

colombian street art

i wandered in the botero museum not knowing what a botero was, the front of the open air gallery was filled with picassos, renoirs, degas´ which i found boring and too abstract. then i come to find out that fernando botero is a colombian artist and i had seen his work before. on these full floor to ceiling paintings he makes these funny relatable scenes of ¨fat people¨ unlike the picassos, his work was instantly funny and expressive.

botero museum

since i arrived ive been impressed by the street graffitti further proves my point that colombians are a most expressive people. we think that art is a luxury of the ¨developed¨ world but perhaps all the strife and hardship produces an urge to express the repressed emotions of the whole or color a drab world or maybe they just like to doodle on walls. or maybe im too old to understand.

my walking tour of dysentry continued with a cup of guanabana or soursop. from a lukewarm bowl on a street cart. they serve you a cup of slimy eye boogers with green bean sized seeds. delicious!!

at the park where ive been playing basketball they serve a pile a crazy fruit salad; papaya, pineapple, strawberry, mango, plums with fresh creme and unsalted cheese. im always amazed by the amount of fresh fruit eaten.

salt roasted fava beans. i really like this photo. i think the girl was feeling my vibe.

bogota is a hip, modern city on a budget. we went out to a posh crepe and waffle place

i had heard that on sundays there are bullfights in jan and feb. while walking down the street i stumbled across this group of protestors, but didnt make then connection until i also saw well-dressed yuppies streaming pass. outside the arena the young protestors sang and harrassed the spectators. i thought about going but decided against it.

the next day we walked into the arena while they cleaned up. the skid mark through the center is where they dragged the dead bull.

later we decided to just eat the bull instead. we ordered the bandeja paisa; rice and beans avocado, egg, fried pork skin and blood sausage. my american friend got the parrillada (grill mix) sausage, intestine, udder, some strange cut of meat, yucca, potato. he didnt finish her intestines or udder

colombia contd

i left bogota and headed north villa de leyva for a couple days. its a small colonial town with cobblestone streets, a refreshing change from bogota.
i met two girls and a two guys from argentina and italy. i joined them for a hike to an "ecological reserve de periquera." kinda silly but nice waterfalls.




guess which one is from italy.

weird bug the extent of the wildlife


lunch at the market consisted of tripe soup or rib soup and potatoes and fresh squeezed juice.

kronosaurus found near the village


i rushed back to bogota to catch a soccer game between the two biggest clubs in colombia, millonarios and athletico nacional. i was told multiple times the games are dangerous. when i arrived i found the police in teenage mutant ninja turtle riot gear and horses. i scalped a ticket and rather than seating assignments only they give you sides of the stadium you are allowed in to separate fans as well as minimum age requirements.

pre-game chaos

mad max outfits

the fans lowered a 500 yard flag over the crowd that shimmered it was really neato

more lechonera, roasted pork skin

nacional fans

police removing a fan

after the game the riot police separate fans