THIS IS A VILE AND DISGUSTING STORY: READER BE WARNED
ive had enough bad jobs over the years to make mike rowe proud; bojangles chicken ‘n’ biscuits cashier/toilet janitor (fired twice), bat guano (poop) scrapper in massachusetts, trash can cleaner at the Poor Hygiene and Hard Drug Music Fest 2009 in florida, RV toilet emptier extraordinaire in Alaska, bird butt q-tip swabber in alaska, waist-high-swampy-mud bird nest checker in florida, and most recently dredgeboat sludge sea turtle part sorter in Louisiana. But by far the worst was as a deckhand on a whale watching boat out of bar harbor, maine. I went with the impression that I would be a naturalist on a boat explaining marine ecology and identifying birds, whales, and other wildlife. Reading over the position description in small letters it read ‘assisting seasick passengers’ “oh I thought handing out dramamine and calmingly telling people it will be ok.” In reality the position was something far more ‘hands-on.’
Our ship was a 3 level, 140’ catamaran with a capacity of 300+ passengers. Every morning I would rise early and make my way to the docks, passing a line of cheerful customers from exotic places like tickhaven, iowa, mooseknuckle, south dakota, babyblanket, Alabama, skidmark, texas, and myrtle beach, south carolina. Since we guaranteed* seeing whales (*or the 20 dolphins loophole) we were the most popular game in town, meaning we had bucktoothed families, senile grandparents, math book wielding Asians, sullen teenagers who were told they were going to Disneyland maine, and the parents of the rock group Live! (true story). After taking their tickets the giggling customers would pile on and inevitably head for the galley and immediately stuff their faces with nachos, chili cheesedogs, pizza, cocoa, and any other diary based products they could carry. As the passengers came by our crew we placed bets on the outcomes of certain guests. Occasionally a cute girl would give you a smile, oblivious of her soon to be discovered fate. After safety announcements of “shut up, sit down, don’t run with scissors, don’t tattle-tell, and don’t touch your sister/brother or I’ll turn this ship around” we were off. Our troops readied themselves for the initial assault: rubber gloves; check, paper towels; check, barf bags; check, disinfectant spray; check. Outside the harbor the first light swells began to roll in gently and ruddy faces magically turn to a greenish hue and then it’s on. Like a herd of wildebeest its always the young and the weak that are first to go. “we got bogeys!! Keep in formation boys!!” a coworker screams “watch your right flank, two coming in hot and heavy!” I yell as a large man reexamines his breakfast burrito and double chili bacon cheeseburger with relish on the table in front of him. passing him a barf bag I ask “please go outside sir the fresh air helps.” At any given time we would have ⅔ of the boat puking their guts out. Im not good at math but that’s 200, previously happy people instantly at the depths of humanity and begging for death. Oh yeah and that cute girl, she pulls her head out of a barf bag long enough to try a fainthearted grin exposing a piece of spinach from her morning’s omelette. “only 4 more hours guys!” I said cheerfully. People offered a thousand dollars on a number of occasions if we would return to shore.
My worst experience came when an elderly woman motioned me over to the booth where she was sitting. Wow, it smells really bad over here. I thought as she looks up at me and mouths something barely intelligible. “can ‘ou ‘elp ‘e find my ‘entures?” she says. “holy snikees!!! You lost your dentures? Where are they?” I ask. “’n a ‘arf ‘ag ‘n da ‘rash can.” I reluctantly move over to the trashcan and begin to squeeze a 55 gal rubbermaid trashcan worth of barf bags. “da da” like timmy in the oatmeal pit who gets to drink from the fire hose (UHF ala weird al) I produce the winning bag and deliver it to the grateful old lady. She immediately gets up to go to the bathroom when I notice the source of the malodorous stench; the old gal had it coming out both ends.
Free advice to all landlubbers: take Dramamine for your benefit and that of the crew.
I warned you it was a vile and disgusting story but you read it anyway. May you have horrible nightmares tonight.
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